


all the good nights - are they hidden goodbyes in disguise?

by melodypond_thewomanwhomarriedme



Category: Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: F/M, Post-Library River Song, canon defiant, honest discussions, sort of marriage counselling but not really???, truth fields
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-11
Updated: 2020-03-11
Packaged: 2021-03-01 01:34:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,879
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23107060
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/melodypond_thewomanwhomarriedme/pseuds/melodypond_thewomanwhomarriedme
Summary: “Where are we?” River asks, as the Doctor tugs on her wrist, pulling her along with him. There is a look on his face that makes her hesitate - a determined, serious look, a blazing fire in his eyes. He isn’t angry, she can tell. But she can’t tell what his intentions are, and it scares her a little. “Where are you taking me, Doctor?”“Truth field,” he answers shortly, not turning to look at her. “It’s time we had an honest conversation.”
Relationships: Eleventh Doctor/River Song, The Doctor/River Song
Comments: 26
Kudos: 122





	all the good nights - are they hidden goodbyes in disguise?

**Author's Note:**

> hi! please dont kill me, i know im supposed to update the prince/escort au, but have this as a peace offering while i work out some kinks in the story. i hope you enjoy!!
> 
> Story title from ‘urs’ by NIKI

“Where are we?” River asks, as the Doctor tugs on her wrist, pulling her along with him. There is a look on his face that makes her hesitate - a determined, serious look, a blazing fire in his eyes. He isn’t angry, she can tell. But she can’t tell what his intentions are, and it scares her a little. “Where are you taking me, Doctor?”

“Truth field,” he answers shortly, not turning to look at her. “It’s time we had an honest conversation.”

“About what?” River asks, bewildered. She can’t help but feel as though he’s lost his mind even though she’s the one that spent more than a thousand years in a computer. 

The Doctor stops short and turns to face her, the fire still blazing brightly in his eyes, looking more determined than ever. “About  _ us _ , River Song.”

“You know, you can just  _ ask _ me to tell you the truth,” she points out. She tilts her head at him. “Or do you not trust me?”

The Doctor looks away for a moment, and she feels a sharp knife slicing into her heart. She’d thought - after being nursed back to health by him, after keeping his promise to never leave her side again - she’d thought that he  _ chose _ this. That he wanted this as much as she did.

“The truth field,” he starts, and she steels her jaw, ready to hide whatever words would come out and hurt her this time. “Is for me.”

She blinks. She hadn’t expected that.

“For you?”

He nods curtly, his fingers still encircled around her wrist tightly. She frowns at him in concern but he looks away again, and she can’t help but notice the sheen of tears in his eyes. 

“I’ve spent so much of our time together lying to you,” he says, still refusing to look her in the eye. “I don’t want to risk telling a lie out of habit and making things worse.”

“Doctor…” she trails off, unsure of what to say. 

He glances at her, just a tiny cursory look, but she catches the fear in his eyes - it takes her a few seconds to realise that he's afraid of losing her. 

She wants to reassure him; she'd never thought about leaving, not when things between them were at their hardest. Not with her parents freshly gone from their lives; not with the deep cuts that she'd suffered from refusing to show her vulnerability to him. Not even when it had become clear that they brought out the worst in each other as easily as they brought out the best. 

But she doesn't say anything. 

“We’re almost within the perimeters of it,” he continues. He tugs on her wrist again, pulling her with him. 

“I can walk by myself, thank you very much,” she retorts, trying to yank her hand back towards herself but his hand catches the tips of her fingers, intertwining them together. 

She casts a look at him, trying to read what he’s thinking, but his face is blank, only caring about one thing - getting to the truth field. They are walking in a deserted village, abandoned shophouses and a town square all around them, and River looks ahead, a clear path towards a plain field full of grass.

This was supposed to be their first adventure together since her recovery. Her escape from the Library had left her body in a deeply fragile, weakened state and it had taken weeks of care from the nurses at the Sister of Infinite Schism as well as the Doctor for her to finally get back to normal. 

He hadn’t shown any sign of regret then. He’d taken her to the TARDIS, no questions asked, and looked after her without any complaint, giving her food and water and making sure she wasn’t in pain. And when she had to start physical therapy, he’d been endlessly patient with her while she made slow progress. If she was being honest, she’d expected him to drop her back off at the Infinite Schism after a day with her.

But they hadn’t actually said anything to each other. There were idle chats and a few words here and there but neither of them were brave enough to broach the conversation, the elephant in the room still taking up space, even in the vast field they’re currently in. 

They come to a stop where the concrete and the grass meet, and the Doctor looks sideways at her.

“You can stay outside if you want,” he offers her, but she squeezes his hand and smiles reassuringly at him. He nods. “If you’re sure.”

They take a step together.

He turns towards her and takes both her hands, staring seriously down at her.

“Ask me anything you want. Anything at all,” he says softly.

He seems to be bracing himself for the worst, she can tell. The tension in his stance and the heavy seriousness in his eyes give his wariness away. She tries widening her smile to give him a little comfort.

“What did you mean just now?” She asks, looking him directly in the eye. “You said that you didn’t want to lie out of habit.”

The Doctor pauses, thinking carefully. She can see his mind working, the gears turning in his brain, filtering out the sugar coated half-truths and omissions of information. The truth field is working beautifully - but honestly, she wishes that they didn't need to be forced to be honest with each other. 

“When you were younger, whenever you asked something that was too hard to answer, I’d say ‘spoilers’,” he answers. He's choosing his words carefully, and River can't tell if it's good or bad. “But there aren’t any between us now. We’ve closed the circle, and now we’re in a straight line. We can - we don’t have to live by the rules we used to. It would be a really bad way to start this if I lied about something. I’d rather not take the chance.”

She nods. Swallowing slightly, she asks, “Are you still angry about Manhattan?”

At the mention of the city, the Doctor looks down at his shoes. He knows what she's really asking - is he angry about the things they said to each other afterwards? 

“I was never angry,” he says. She raises an eyebrow at him and he shakes his head, willing her to believe him. “Not at you. I - I took it out on you, but you never gave me any real reason to be angry, River."

"You weren't angry that I asked Amy to go after Rory?" she asks skeptically. 

The Doctor almost smiles - she's making her questions pointedly specific so he won't be able to shroud the truth. His clever girl.

"A little," he confesses. "But I realised very quickly that Amy would've never forgiven me if I didn't let her be with Rory. They're meant to be together." 

She nods in agreement, letting out a small breath. The first question is over and done with. But before she can ever ponder over what to ask next, the Doctor interrupts her train of thought by leaning into her space and pressing his lips to hers, as if unable to resist himself.

Even with her breath taken away by surprise, she responds quickly to his kiss, deepening it immediately. He maintains the sweetness of it, his lips moving gently over hers, his tongue twisting tenderly and tasting her. When he pulls back, there is a haunted look in his eyes.

"You know I didn't mean what I said, don't you?" he whispers to her, the apologetic sincerity in his voice making her hearts clench. He looks deep into her eyes and her breath catches for the second time in five seconds, the deep emotion cutting through her. "I would do the same for you, a thousand times over. If you were taken by the angel, I wouldn't hesitate for a moment before following you."

The admission, emotional and full of apology and regret for the words exchanged, makes her eyes water slightly. She can't quite believe that the Doctor had confesses it so willingly - without even being prompted. She'd spent so many days afterwards convinced that he never loved her that when she finally learns that he did -  _ does  _ \- she doesn't quite know how to process it. 

"Thank you, Doctor." she whispers, her voice shaky. He presses another kiss to her forehead. "I'm sorry too. We were grieving, and I didn't know how to handle it without defaulting to anger."

“Were you?" he asks. "Angry?”

She shakes her head. “Hurt,” she whispers quietly, and his eyes soften instantly. “It hurt very much, Doctor.”

He looks down at his shoes. “I’m sorry. I know those words can’t take away everything I caused you but - but I just hope you’ll forgive me, even though I don’t deserve it. I don’t deserve  _ you _ .”

“Of course you do,” she breathes, stepping closer to him and watching the wind blow his fringe lightly. “Sweetie - ”

“I don’t,” he shakes his head determinedly. “I don’t, River. Look at you. You are - you are so brilliant. Clever. Beautiful. You saved yourself from the Library when I couldn’t.”

At the mention of the Library, she turns away from him. “About that,” she begins, stepping away from him. 

“What?” He frowns at her, moving to step closer to her again, but she places a hand on his chest to stop him. 

“Don’t lie to me, Doctor,” she says, a warning in her tone. “Not about this.”

“We’re in a truth field,” he reminds her. “And I won’t lie to you, not anymore.”

Nodding, she bites her lip, her heart still pounding inside her. “Did you - did you  _ choose _ this? Me? Or were you just trying to keep the timelines intact? Fulfill some - some weird obligation to my parents?”

At his sharp intake of breath, River feels her lip begin to wobble slightly. “It’s just - at the Library, I told you about Darillium. I told you your name and - and everything else. I wasn’t strong enough to let you choose your way without  _ telling _ you some really important details and I - ”

“I chose you.” He interrupts her, yanking her harder than necessary towards him, catching her in his arms when she yelps. “Of course I chose you, River. I tried to avoid you but everywhere I turned you were there and - well, I didn’t try very hard.”

She presses her hands against his chest, looking up at him with tear-filled eyes. “Your name,” she whispers. “Are you sure you want me to know it? Because I give you permission to wipe it from - ”

“No -  _ no _ ,” he objects immediately, pressing a kiss to her forehead. “It’s tradition, you know. Gallifreyans tell their partners their name.”

“I know, I just thought you might’ve told me because you heard it from me so I  _ had  _ to know.” She explains softly, sighing. Resting her head on his chest and listening to his hearts beat against his ribs, she asks, “Your turn to ask the questions?”

He remains silent for a few seconds, and River can hear the cogs work in his brain. She can feel the hesitance and the reluctance to actually ask the question, and she frowns as she lifts her head off his chest to look at him.

“What is it?” She asks him, trying to look reassuring.

“Nothing, it’s just -” he breaks off, sighing in frustration at himself. He flushes red as he admits softly, “it’s quite embarrassing.”

She lifts her eyebrows at him expectantly and he sighs again, closing his eyes and taking a deep breath.

“Haveyousleptwithanyoneelse?” He asks in one breath, rushed. She gives him a look that clearly says she has no idea what he’s saying, and he flushes even redder, taking a deep breath and closing his eyes. “Have you slept with anyone else?”

River pulls away from him, taken aback by his question. “You-you haven’t?”

His hearts seizing at what the answer must be, he looks down and shakes his head.

“I always thought - well, I - wait, you weren’t sleeping with Clara?” She asks.

“ _ Clara? _ ” He repeats in disbelief, surprise and a hint of disgust evident in his features. “She’s - she’s tiny and human and  _ not you. _ ”

“I thought - Trenzalore -”

“You thought after I kissed you goodbye I went off and slept with Clara?” He demands.

“You didn’t tell her about me! She thought I was a  _ man _ , Doctor. You never told her you were married, and she was clearly incredibly smitten with you, so I’m sorry if I thought - ”

“Wrong!” He interrupts, shouting and arms flailing around in anger. “You thought wrong! I - you - you are so  _ infuriating, _ you stubborn woman! There’s no one else! There’s  _ never _ been  _ anyone _ else for as long as I have you, and even long after that! Do you understand?”

“Well you have a funny way of showing it,” she snaps back at him, putting more distance between them. She isn’t shouting but her voice is as clear as day, and the annoyance and frustration in her tone can be heard from a mile away. “I’m sorry if I couldn’t wait around for you to show up randomly in my life. I had needs, Doctor. I went and satisfied them, with people I don’t remember, because it’s  _ just sex _ . I fuck them and I leave them, and if you’d had a problem with it then why didn’t you tell me in the first place?”

“River,” his voice is much calmer now, no longer loud and shouty. “How was I supposed to tell you that I only wanted you to myself when I’d already taken so much away from you?”

“I keep telling you, you  _ didn’t _ -”

“I couldn’t even convince you that I really  _ do _ love you, and you want me to deny you your fun?” He asks, shaking his head, though she can see the hurt and the pain in his eyes. Reaching out slowly, she touches his arm, and when he doesn’t pull away, she rubs his shoulder soothingly. 

“I’m sorry,” she whispers. “I didn’t realise.”

“I know. Just promise me that I’m the only one you’ll go to from now on. For whatever,” he whispers back, swallowing roughly. He touches the hand on his shoulder and brings it to his mouth, pressing a warm kiss on her skin. “I’m here to satisfy anything you want, River. I promise. I want to be that person for you.”

“I promise,” she breathes, and she means it. “Only you from now on, Doctor.”

“Did you really think I slept with Clara?” He asks her quietly, and he watches as she averts her gaze away from him guiltily.

“I told you,” she says softly, not looking at him. “When we met in the dream, she was very possessive. And when I watched you with her, well.” She sighs. “You used to look at me that way too, before you knew everything. The mystery and the intrigue - and she’s rather pretty.”

He shakes his head rather forcefully at the implication. “No. How - how bad was I, River, truthfully? How bad of a husband was I that you could - that you didn’t believe I loved you, that you hid the damage, that you could believe that I’d  _ ever _ fall in love with someone else - how could I have got the one thing that mattered more than anything else wrong?”

“It wasn’t - it’s just -” she tries desperately to reassure him, tears still in her eyes. “It’s not your fault, Doctor.”

“I will be better,” he swears determinedly. “I will do everything, River, everything I can to prove that I love you more than anything else in the universe. You are  _ so _ incredibly precious to me and I never, ever want you to think otherwise - not ever again. Please let me prove it to you, dear.”

“You already did, Doctor,” she whispers. “You stayed with me, you took care of me when I got out of the Library - you were so patient. You made sure I was never in pain.”

But the Doctor shakes his head. "But you always looked at me like you expected me to leave." 

River doesn't say anything. She can't deny that she'd indeed been expecting him to drop her off somewhere once he decided that he'd had enough. But the time never came, and she stayed with him.

"You didn't leave," she says quietly after a moment of silence between them. He shrugs like it doesn't matter. "That makes a difference, Doctor. You proved me wrong. You're better."

"I just…" he trails off and looks away, running his hand through his hair and messing it up. Sighing, he turns to look at her, his eyes filled with tears and regret. "I wish I could've just stopped being an idiot sooner when it came to you. It feels like I've done everyone else right except for you. The one thing - the one person who mattered. My wife."

"You're forgiven, remember?" she reminds him gently, taking his hands in her and pulling him close to her. He doesn't fight her touch, but he maintains a distance between them. "Always and completely forgiven, Doctor. And that's not ever going to change."

He nods. "Promise that you won't hide the damage anymore. I'm your husband, and I promise - I  _ want  _ to see all of you. I want to  _ love  _ all of you. And I want to - to fix whatever it is, or to at least make it better for you."

"It's a tough habit to kick," she admits, but the way she holds onto his hands, like there's nothing else she would rather hold onto, makes him hope a little. "I'll try. It'll take time, so you'll have to be patient, but I'll try for you, darling."

"Thank you," he murmurs, pressing a kiss to her hair. "And I do love you, you know. Because Trenzalore -"

"I was - you could see me but you ignored me. And you and - and Clara - I just -" she cuts herself off, shrugging. "I needed a reminder, I guess."

"You won't need one anymore," he promises, tugging her close and hugging her to him. He winds his arms around her waist and buries his face in her hair, his voice muffled when he speaks into it. "I'll tell you until you're sick of hearing it."

"That won't ever happen, sweetie," she chuckles softly, her own arms tucking themselves under his purple tweed and over his shirt. She lays her head on his chest, listening to the beats of his hearts, soothing the whirlwind of emotions this conversation has taken her on. Remembering something suddenly, she asks, "Doctor, were you only ignoring me on Trenzalore? Or were you - in the TARDIS, could you -?"

"That was - was that  _ really  _ you?" He asks in disbelief, eyes wide as he pulls away and stares at her. "I thought - I was going mad with grief and hallucinating because I kept  _ seeing  _ you everywhere and you -"

"So you  _ were  _ ignoring me on purpose?" She asks, just a little disappointment dripping from her voice. She doesn't move away, though, and the Doctor takes that as a good sign. 

He swallows. "Yes, but only because I - I'd just  _ lost  _ you and I missed you  _ so  _ much, River," he says, desperate to explain to her. "I - if I'd known it was really  _ you _ I swear I would've spent all my time with you."

"Could you hear me?"

He ducks his head. "Yes."

"Oh," she says, sounding even more disappointed. He shuts his eyes. He can't bear to see how much pain he's caused her, just by being so awfully selfish. "It wasn't just Trenzalore, you know. I watched you find Clara. She made you happy and you obviously liked her -"

"Stop, please, River," he interrupts, shaking his head again and finally finding the courage to face the disappointment and hurt in her eyes. "You were wrong. You  _ are  _ wrong. I don't - it's not like that. It's not like  _ us.  _ I've never felt that way towards her -"

"- well  _ she  _ certainly does -"

"- it doesn't  _ matter  _ if she does. Because I don't. Because there's only one person in the entire universe I could ever love that way for the rest of my life and that spot is taken by someone brave and clever and strong, even though she's stubborn as a mule. She has magic space hair and she loves using blasters. She's beautiful and confident and she's a good person - maybe even the best."

"Are you sure this truth field is working?" she teases lightly, clearly not used to how the Doctor is treating her. She sobers a little at the expression on his face. "I'm sorry. I just - it was hard to watch you. I guess I never realised how much I don’t like sharing."

The Doctor nods. "I don’t either. And I'm sorry too," he says sincerely, reaching out to touch her face, swiping his thumb beneath her cheekbone and cradling her face in his hand. "I'm not sure any language can express how much I love you."

"More than every living thing in the universe?" she supplies, smiling fondly at him. 

"More than there are atoms in existence," he whispers. "More than every universe colliding. More than every breath anyone who has ever lived has taken."

"It's the same, you know," she whispers quietly, tears filling her eyes again. He tilts her chin gently upwards. "For me. With you."

He presses a soft, chaste kiss on her lips, but he lingers for a few moments, breathing her in. 

"I can't wait to start living with you," he whispers against her mouth. "A  _ linear  _ life with you. I never thought we could ever have this."

"Neither did I. It seems the universe owed us a favour, my love," she whispers back, smiling wider as he tilts his head and leans his forehead on hers. She blinks slowly, studying his face. 

He grins, his hands now running up and down her back, touching every part of her at once. 

“Any more questions?" he asks her.

She frowns, thinking for a while. Her smile turns mischievous and she starts fiddling with the buttons on his shirt, making him raise an eyebrow at her. "How do you feel about taking your clothes off right here?"

He clamps his mouth as she watches him in amusement, knowing fully well what his answer will be. Clearly trying to force the words back down his throat, he turns accusatory eyes on her and she gives him a confused look, acting innocent.

"What? Use your words, darling."

His face turning red with the strain of holding his answer back, he narrows his eyes at her. Not even pretending anymore, she gives him an amused grin.

"As long as your clothes aren't on you either, I won't complain," he bursts finally, the words rushing out of his mouth. She smiles in satisfaction. "River Song, you are a  _ bad  _ girl."

"Yes I am," she whispers, her voice low as she presses herself into him, looking him in the eye. "What do you plan to do about it?"

"I'm going to rip your clothes off and fuck you senseless right here." he looks mortified by his own answer, but River just grins wider.  "Now  _ that's  _ the answer I was waiting for."

**Author's Note:**

> please let me know what you think by leaving a comment down below! ive been feeling particularly needy lately :(


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